this whole website was created after i kept getting banned from social medias. realising i was running out of places to go and still had plenty of things to say, i decided to build a place i couldn't get banned from! so welcome to my open journal and my many thoughts..kört dexter is not responsible for any mental damage caused by reading anything on this site
i wrote this about you in the walmart parking lot. i wanted to turn this into some hobo johnson-esque spoken word song but who knows if or when i’ll get around to that, and even if i do, who cares if it was here first
found a joint on the ground
picked it up and stuffed it in my pocket
i didn’t keep it, but for just a moment
it made me think of you
all the nights you never told me
smoking pot and drinking whiskey
drowning sorrows and blues yet to come
so often you created them
you decided you were shit and you’d never be better so you didn’t try
you had to go and destroy the one good thing in your life to fulfil your “woe is me” complex
what did korn not sound good enough unless i was your ex?
you didn’t just torment yourself
you said you’d go through hell with me but you dropped me off instead
reassuring ever issue you already knew i had
convincing yourself you would’ve done it anyway
you wouldn’t’ve you’re just a piece of shit who wants to justify their actions
i love you..
well, i loved you
you said you felt the same
but how could someone who loved me justify all that pain?
i should preface this by saying, this isn’t a suicide note. everytime i write one of these i get a lot of concerned dms asking if i’m alright. i am. i just wanted to write this because i don’t write about good things here often. i wanted to put it somewhere that i really love and cherish my friends. everyone in my server means so fucking much to me especially two people, whose names i’ll change for the sake of security, since i’m sure some people stalk this website. so this goes out to austin and summers (sorry for the straight people names guys but trust me they make sense.) yall mean so damn much to me. it’s because of yall that i’m starting to heal and that i’m able to get over things. if it weren’t for yall i’d be in a really bad state right now. yep, ohio. i’m joking, but i’d honestly be doing very bad. i probably would’ve let my illness overcome me and i’d be in [redacted] living homeless or something, but you’ve shown me things get better. AND THEY HAVE! i’m surrounded by wonderful people, things are getting better with my dad, i’m growing as a person. it’s crazy. i don’t think i’ve ever had an actual support system and to just have people around me that actually love and care for me without pretending? that’s fucking insane, so thank you. and thank you to all my other homies who are just there to joke and chill with me constantly. i’m so happy to have people around me who i can hang out with and feel comfortable being around. thank you all. i love all yall so much (especially austin and summers <33 yall have done so fucking much for me. you’re both such beautiful fucking people)
i just had an epiphany in the shower, and i realised something. i realised a lot of things actually. i feel a lot better. just because that dumbass isn’t gonna get better doesn’t mean i have to sit here feeling like shit. screw him. i realised something. i think i had a problem with winding up with abusive people because i demonised myself. society demonises a lot of the shit i am: schizophrenic, bipolar, gay, cisn’t, and some other shit here and there. i was born and raised to believe creatures like me were horrible, fucked up, evil people, so i just always hung around shitty people who indulged all the worst thoughts. i thought i wanted someone like me, but i didn’t even know who i was. i met a wonderful boy who’s everything i’ve always wanted, and i’d been sitting here thinking about how much he wasn’t like me and how he wasn’t right and i didn’t deserve him. he’s just fucking like me! it took one of my headhomies giving me a whole talk to make me realise how fucking stupid i was being. it’s not my fault i was abused. i’m not the problem, but i could avoid it. de pointed out how i look at the dahmer case. how i can pick it apart and be bewildered by the actions of dahmer allst while making the same mistakes. i can perfectly point out and help fix other people’s fuck ups then i’m oblivious when they align with mine. i’m not a shitty person, but if i keep believing i am i’m gonna miss all the good opportunities and become one. my destiny isn’t to die alone. i’m not fucked up and evil, i’m a teenage boy. i’m confused because of everything i think i’m supposed to be, when i should be following what i love and want to be. i think i can get over all of this, and i think i know what to do to get better. i feel good. i’m gonna get through all of this
i hope you know how much pain you put me though. i hope you understand that i can’t even take a fucking nap because the thought of you keeps me up. it’s going to take me so long to get over this because i actually fucking loved you. i don’t think you loved me. you never even cared enough to be honest. all i asked for was honesty. why’d you have to fucking hurt me like this?? i just want to get on with my life and appreciate the good, but you wont leave my head and it makes me feel sick. i don’t want to have to leave you behind. i don’t want to think about you in the past tense but goddamn did you hurt me, and you show no signs or desire of improvement. you deserve for this to haunt you
i don’t even have anything to say. i lie to everyone. i want to leave. no one cares about me, and i’m sick of only knowing this fucking town.
so things are bad enough again for me to use my website. i only really use this place when i have something to say and i want people to know it, but i don’t want people to be alarmed. by the time you see this it’ll be too late. not in the sense that i’ll have killed myself or anything, but in the sense it’ll be too late to care. no one ever comes here. no one EVER comes here often. people aren’t constantly checking my journal, desperate for a new post. anyways, nirvana was lowkey spittin when they made that song for beavis and butt-head. i feel like that right now. the person who’s supposed to be my safe person feels so far away. it’s not depression. i keep telling them it’s just depression. i don’t have the heart to tell them they gaslight me and treat me like my dad, so i never open up. i hide so much shit from them. it makes me feel dysphoric to do that. i don’t like hiding my emotions because i feel like it’s feminine to talk solely in double speak, but i also feel it’s feminine to even discuss emotions, so i just don’t. i have pretty severe trust issues too. can you blame me? maybe i’d tell them, but time and time again they break my trust. it’s not like they tell everyone what i said, it’s just that i dissect myself and let my guts spill on the floor only for it to be ignored. handed a broom a told to sweep up because guests will be here soon. my problems are treated as trivial, and my pain is seen as “just depression.” i’m not depressed. i don’t show signs of depression. is it really depression if the “depressive” thoughts have been fucking proven time and time again? i’m treated like a burden and looked at like that thing you have that you don’t want anyone (including yourself) to see, but for some sentimental reason you don’t just throw it out. there’s this girl i really like. i want to get close with her, but i don’t. i think she hates me. i don’t think she does, but i think she hates me, so i just don’t. even if she didn’t hate me, she would eventually. she’d think i’m weird or a freak or a pussy or a whiney little fag and she’d leave me like everyone else has. it sucks because i see her as so safe and i think of her as my best friend, but i doubt she’d think of me in the same sense. i could get close. maybe have one of the best friendships i could ever achieve, or i could stay away. only having the occasional conversation and saving her and myself. i don’t want to be a burden. i’d really like to leave. frankly, i’m getting the call to milwaukee again. not for horrible reasons this time. this time, just because i’m lonely. a part of me still loves him. it’s a pretty big part. it’s easier to love someone who doesn’t know you. someone you can create an image for in your head. i don’t think i’m ever going to adjust to “reality.” living in my head has always gotten me good enough. i wish they would stop treating me like a burden. i love them. maybe that’s my fault, but i love them. i want to be close, but being around them also makes me feel the same way i felt watching bojack for the first time high as a mfer staring at the ground from my rooftop. it’s not a way i like to feel. empty. terrified. vulnerable. aware. aware that what was happening was the wrong path. looking down and knowing things must’ve gone so horrible wrong for me to end up here. in this position. something that once was such a relief. felt so good. now a psychotic episode that i’m not sure how to stop. completely lost. i don’t know what day it is. i don’t know where everyone went. the ground looks so inviting, but i forgot my invitation. i’m not supposed to be at this party. it’s all wrong. it’s all a blur. i could still find safety in this place, but there’s no way to do that alone. and people are so fucking terrifying..
never always forever and never
descend with me into the january trees they’re as cold and insufferable as the month itself
descend with me into the dead autumn leaves the crunching wears down your sole until there’s only ashes
it’s not a time nor a place but you know where i go you know where i stay yet you will leave me here to rot
lay me down in the january trees and the crisp autumn leaves where it seems my mind is caught
you’ll never find my skull amongst the ruins nor my hair amongst the bugs physically i was never here at all i live inside the months
i am a time i am a place but i’m no where you can touch you’ll never see my face on your golden pocket watch
i am but a mere memory at that, i’m one you forgot you nalways find me among the trees in the autumn and january months
i hate realising someone doesn’t care about you as much as you care about them. that realisation that to them you’re simply a variable. this happened recently, of course. this person will remain nameless, but for the sake of simplicity, we will call them War. i’ve known War for a bit. at first i looked up to them, we ended up becoming friends. i began seeing them almost as a sibling. overtime, i saw the same problem popping into War’s vacinity. they had a bad problem with basically just treating people like shit. they seemed only talk about the future or the past. they live entirely too much in the past. they make future plans then get bored. they treat people like therapists, then when they’re done with them they move on. i really thought someone cared enough to be my friend. was it all lies? was this the intention the whole time?
fuck. one word. four letters. a variety of meanings. the one we’re using today is “fuck /fək/ exclamation used alone or as a noun or verb in various phrases to express annoyance, contempt, or impatience.” a one word phase. the best phrase i have to explain how i feel at the moment. it feels like everything is going to shit. it’s all rotting away around me, and i have no way to stop it. first, it’s the abandonment and alienation executed by War. then, it’s issues with my father. lastly, someone i had eyes on is now in a relationship. i feel the first and former are blantantly understandable but the second might need just a bit of context. i don’t get along amazingly with my father. over the years, we grew apart. why? because he doesn’t care about me. i am a mistake, a mentally ill, faggot, retard, and tranny of a mistake. i know the only reason he keeps me around or ever shows me attention is to keep up an image. that’s all i am for him. i’m an excuse, a figurine, and something to blame. somethings gone missing? must be kört's fault. somethings amiss? must be kört's fault. pissed off? take it out on kört. need an excuse? “oh well my kiddo-.” wanna look like a good person and a model citizen? bombard kört with photos and post them on various social medias with shitty captions like “spending time with the kid.” i fucking hate pictures. i hate he can’t take the time to use my proper pronouns stating bullshit like “well you’re MY daughter.” if you don’t shut that shit up i’ll be daddy’s little mess on the carpet and celling. ohhh, but he’s get a kick out of that. he’d get to “grieve.” he’d love the attention and the pity. he’d probably get with another weird whore. he’d find someone who he could yell at and blame everything on, a replacement kört. because after all, that’s all i am to everyone, an easily replaceable blame game/therapist/shoulder to cry on.
i feel like i exist on a higher plain. completely disconnected from the reality everyone else is a part of. i feel like the smoke of a cigarette while simultaneously feeling like water. i feel very slow, like time has no effect on me. i think a good way to describe how i feel is that weird period between christmas and new years. like 02:38 while it gently snows and you sit under a street lamp. alone. everyone else is asleep except those with insomnia and nothing better to do. like that cigarette you smoke completely recluse away from all distractions living in a moment that only exists in your mind since no one else is there to see it. the birds and insects are gone. it’s too cold for them now. so it’s just you. alone. in this huge world it feels like youre the only one awake. not in a bad way though. it’s not scary or dark or gloomy. it’s just a certain breed of calm you only get from that feeling that you know all but you also know nothing. you’re alone here and that’s alright. it’s a journey you must take alone because you’re the only true person in your own reality.
there’s a certain comfort in being alone sometimes. you become acutely aware of reality, while slowly drifting away from it all. i am a being that has always existed while never existing. i exist only in my own consciousness and so does the world around me. i am the only thing that matters as long as i believe i matter because at the end of the day nobody else exists. one day i will die and so will reality. i will cease to exist and seep back into a realm that will only exist inside my own soul. i take comfort in that. no one will be able to harm me then. i will be in the air on those december nights. i will be in the trees and the smoke from cigarettes. i will be time itself. i will be timeless.
i dont want to die, but i’m not scared of death either. when my time has finally come i’ll greet death with a handshake. i take pride in knowing one day i will cease to exist to the people who’ve known me. i will never truly die until i have been forgotten though. just a relic of a time now gone. i will exist only in photographs and any stories told by grandparents to grandchildren. i will become an urban legend..